Hello. My name is Nathan Cooley and this is a brief story of my life. While I currently live in Keizer, Oregon, my story begins in Albuquerque, New Mexico. It is here that I spent the formative years of my life – learning and growing as an individual and slowly becoming the person I am today. There have been countless influences in my life which have driven my understanding of the world. Many of those influences came from the people who surrounded me in the various roles of my life. Family, friends, teachers, coworkers, bosses, and community citizens all contributed to my understanding of the world. And, looking beyond the direct influence of others, I have found much of my current vision and drive hidden within the numerous experiences of my own life – relational learning as it were. While the lessons of my life have been prolific, there are many yet to come. Only now, after thirty-five years, do I really feel like I understand what it means to be Nathan Cooley.

Looking back at my childhood, I am filled with many memories. Some are relatively inconsequential and others more lasting and meaningful. As it is with any child, this time in my life was incredibly influential for me. In my first decade of life, I learned what it meant to participate in a social environment. Most of that social exposure came from the time I spent at school, but there were also elements of social learning present from the time I spent at home with my two older sisters. And, not surprisingly, those two social worlds were often quite different from one another.

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As a young child in school, building relationships always seemed like a very natural part of who I was. Back then, there was very little judgement from the kids around me. Most of us simply wanted to hang out together and have fun. And, that part of my social experience was quite pleasant. I got to see just how good it could feel to be surrounded by people who enjoyed my company. It was only as we aged that the process became more complicated. About the time that I was entering middle school, the qualifications for being a good friend seemed to shift. No longer were other kids only interested in having fun – instead, there was a new focus on perceived popularity. At that age, many of my childhood friends began to focus on physical strength and appearance as an indicator for superiority. As a child that grew up a little chubby, popularity was suddenly hard for me to achieve. I was never really involved with sports and being limited in physical activities meant losing many of the friends I had established in years prior. This transition in friendship was one of my first experiences with personal transformation. I went from being part of a large carefree group of friends to being an outsider who had to find a new path. In the fourth grade I began to focus my energy and efforts on things I could do alone. It was then that I first found academics as a source of comfort and personal satisfaction. I began to pursue advanced reading and math as a way of proving myself to others. Typically, this only impressed my teachers and parents, but it did allow me to forge new friendships based on a common appreciation for scholastic ability.

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Regardless of my transition or progress in the social environment of school, though, my role as little brother was relatively unchanged for the first fourteen years of my life. To my sisters, I was always the bratty little brother – a nuisance to have around and an overall embarrassment. After all, I was a boy and had no idea how to behave around girls of any age – at least that is what I was told. And, though I cared little about socializing with girls early in life, I was very interested in being able to interact with my sisters. Besides the fact that they were my family, I actually looked at them as role models. They seemed to understand each other in a way that I could not. They shared common interests, common challenges, and seemed to truly appreciate one another. To be honest, I was a little envious of their relationship – especially as I faced a redefinition of relationships in my school life. And, in order to be included in their social circle, I put my own limited ideas of personal identity aside and simply did whatever they dictated was appropriate. I let them choose my outfits, define what I did with my free time (played girly games with them and their friends), and generally let them pick on me as much as they liked. Back then, it seemed like I was gaining positive movement in our relationship as siblings and that made me happy. Though I discovered later in life that this form of relationship building was unproductive, I used my success here as a model for relationships in the next few years of my life. I used the success I had found in academics as a way of building new relationships – offering “help” to popular kids with their homework in hopes that they would begin to associate with me. Thank goodness that this phase of life was short lived because I recognize now how unhealthy that approach really was.

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So there I was – making the awkward transition from young child to young man without really knowing the best way to approach my life. As it was to be expected, this time presented a wonderful opportunity for my dad to offer his insight and impart the lessons of his youth to me. Up until this point, my dad had always been an authority figure in my life. He was there to tell me what to do, what not to do, and to punish me when I pushed my boundaries. But as I became a teenager, the relationship between my father and I changed. He transitioned from being the family boss to being a personal mentor. While he had never hesitated to dish out chores around the house, he now began to infuse those chores with a sense of purpose. He began to invest in my understanding of the value of work ethic, the importance of diligence, and the need each person has for a place in life. In my dad’s estimation, that place in life was defined by our ability to support those people who depend upon us. Sometimes this meant working hard for our bosses, sometimes for our neighbors, and always for our families. And in order to best deliver support to others, we are expected to suffer through personal sacrifice. My dad often quips that he is so good at suffering that he even suffers through the best parts of his life.

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I think it is in the sense of self sacrifice and doing for others that a core element of my current identity was forged. While I never really understood the value of suffering, I did see how personal sacrifice could really work to deliver positive influence to the people around me. And this time, that didn’t mean sacrificing my sense of dignity to make friends or to feel like I belonged to a larger group. It meant being able to do something of value for others without consideration for their approval. I did, however, often receive appreciation for my efforts and that began to lay a foundation for new relationships in my life. Popularity seemed much less important to others once they realized that I was simply trying to be a good person. I’d like to credit this shift in perception to a growing level of maturity in others, but really I think it came from my own personal growth. And this growth was not limited to the realm of my educational social circle.

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As a second form of personal mentorship, my father focused heavily on building my understanding of the financial aspects of the world. As I reached the age of 13, he had encouraged me to start earning money by offering lawn service to several of our neighbors. After two years of developing an appreciation for the employer/employee dynamic, my dad got me a formal job with his employer. At the age of 15, I was working to receive an actual paycheck by doing whatever my boss told me to do. With each paycheck earned, my dad was sure to take time to review how money was meant to spent, saved, and invested. He explained the role of taxes, the benefit of social security, and he challenged me to save fifty percent of every check for the future. In his mind, this not only contributed to financial stability, but taught me the importance of future planning. “The only thing that is certain in life is uncertainty. Living for the now is fun, but planning for the future is far more important.” This thought was almost like a mantra as I continued to grow in my professional efforts. At the age of sixteen, I started my next real job and the value of future planning was already incorporated into my personal being. I went to high school every day and followed each school day with work. I’m pretty sure that I was the only one of my friends who not only saved money for the future but who also paid my parents for car insurance, and gave them money to invest in mutual funds on my behalf. By the age of eighteen I had already established a diverse portfolio of bank CD’s, savings bonds, mutual funds, and had even begun contributing to an IRA account. Not to mention that I bought my very first brand new car in cash. Yes, indeed, future planning and financial stability were developed early in my life, and those skills are still very relevant in my world today. I see them as a way to be prepared to support others in those uncertain future times.

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In terms of lasting influence from any one individual, I cannot say enough about the lessons my father imparted to me. When I entered college for the first time in 1999, much of these lessons still carried on as professional focus. So much so, in fact, that I often sacrificed my educational pursuits in order to excel at work. I’d often miss class so I could work extra hours and many times I would fall asleep in class from sheer exhaustion. Of course, this was counterproductive for my collegiate pursuits and my four-year degree program in organizational management became a seven-year struggle to stay afloat. Ultimately, in 2006, I decided to try a different approach to my life. Instead of dedicating small amounts of my personal focus to several different priorities, I instead chose to focus all of my effort on only two things: my work and my newly developed relationship with my future wife. While many of the lessons my dad offered seemed to focus directly on my obligation as a worker in the professional world, I was able to extrapolate deeper meaning from them. More than anything, commitment to work filtered out to a broader focus on commitment to others. Future planning and money saving translated to being able to get by with less right now – highlighting the futility of material endeavors. And, the concept of self-sacrifice was reframed in my mind as contribution to the greater world. With this fresh perspective and self-adapted values, I was ready to enter the next phase of my life.

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While building relationships had always been a part of my life (sometimes effectively and sometimes not), I had never really shared an intimate relationship with any other person. Sure, I had fleeting flirtatious encounters in high school, but never knew what it meant to be in a full on romantic relationship. But, I entered this relationship with my girlfriend just as I approached any other endeavor in my life at that point. I gave of myself in order to make her happy, I committed myself entirely to the success of our relationship, and I saw our union as a long-term venture in need of future planning. After six months of dating, I was so confident in the permanence of our relationship that I bought an engagement ring. However, overly complicated planning and the uncertainty of life meant that I would not actually give her the ring until our five-year anniversary. But, the delay in my proposal was not founded in relationship worry or doubt. Instead, that extra time served as an affirmation of the importance of her influence in my life. Just as I had never really experienced a romantic relationship before, I had never really experienced a completely open an honest relationship with another person in the same way as she and I shared. Kelly trusted me, supported me, encouraged me, and cared for me in a way no other person had before. She helped me understand that my thoughts and personal aspirations had as much value as those of other people. As a result of a long-time focus on self-sacrifice and doing for others, I had often brushed my own vision for life aside. Kelly restored that element of my being and altered my perspective for the future. Eventually, after six and a half years together, we got married and soon after decided to move away from Albuquerque. By moving away from the familiar home city of my youth, Kelly challenged me to establish a renewed and independent version of myself with her at my side. We chose to live in Keizer, Oregon where neither of us had lived before. In so doing, we started fresh in everything – our home, our jobs, our relationships, and our identities could begin from a blank slate. And while the experience of moving away from my home was incredibly intimidating, I think it was the most productive step in defining the person I am today.

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I have now been in Oregon for nearly nine years and since we moved here, many aspects of my life have developed in a positive way. Not only have I spent the last eight and a half years working for a terrific organization (Starbucks), but I have become a home owner, a second time student, and perhaps most importantly, I’ve become a father. Six and half years ago, my son Sean was born and a new role was added to my personal identity. In becoming a father, I saw an opportunity to act on each of my driving values in life. For him, I could be compassionate, caring, and selfless. And, in tribute to the profound personal influence of my father, I had the opportunity to be a guide and mentor to my own son. Raising a child has not only worked to support the values previously established in my life, but has helped to redefine their level of priority. While my life has often included a strong focus on professional pursuits, my role as a father and caregiver has revealed the importance of balance in life. What good is professional success if it comes at the cost of meaningful relationships with the most important people in my life. As a child, I never knew how much I was missing out on when my dad spent all of his time at work instead of at home. It was only once we began to spend time together that I saw the real importance of our relationship. Now, as a father myself, I have the opportunity to spare my son that same absence. I know how much I learned from my dad in our focused time together and I am now inspired to bring even more of that value into my relationship with my son. In short, getting married, moving, and becoming a father has introduced me to one very important concept in life: balance. Learning to balance the various roles and demands of my life has allowed me to achieve a whole new outlook on my future.

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In an effort to continue to grow in my understanding of these new opportunities in life, I chose to return to my college education. After nearly two years of constant attention and devotion of time, I am finally completing my college degree program. This time, instead of going to school to gain professional proficiency, I am working to expand my knowledge of the world around me and the relationships that drive it. My whole life, to this point, has been built upon relationships and influence. While the uncertainty of life continues to create challenges that must be overcome, it also works to provides new opportunities for my personal growth. And, I am quite certain that my next step in personal growth is not too far off. After all, school is nearly at its conclusion and the balance in my life will afford me an opportunity to fill that time with other pursuits. Perhaps I’ll introduce my son to the world of nature through camping, or perhaps I’ll devote more of my time to others by volunteering more. Regardless of that next step, though, I am confident that the years ahead will carry with them a positive influence. After all, each part of my life has taught me something new – why would the future be any different?